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There’s no particular reason I would want to lug around a google search bar. I mean, technically I would have to be connected to the internet somehow, but just humor me here and believe that my imaginary google bar is more like a genie lamp. So with that said, here are my top five places (if I ever go) that I would want a google search bar.
IRAQ
Boy oh boy, God bless our soldiers because he knows I wouldn’t be caught dead here. If I was this lonely looking soldier, staring off into the dusty sunset, I would certainly whip out my google search bar and type in something like: “concrete fortified sleeping quarters with down pillows and a porn mag.” Yes, that will definitely ease my anxiety, at least for the night.
THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN
Did anyone see that move Deep Blue or something where the couple gets left behind on a scuba trip and they float in the middle of the ocean together only to get picked off by sharks in the end? No, yeah, it kinda sucked I don’t blame you. However, if I had my handy dandy google search bar I would definitely be typing something like: “200′ Yacht with Diddy and lots of naked models.” Yes that’ll show those darn sharks and fishes in the sea, because Diddy said so!
IN THE CLUB
Oh geeze, I had to go here didn’t I? Well look, if I actually managed to get into a nightclub with my lesbian-like good looks and boyish body, I’d be pretty thrilled. But after a few minutes, after I start to realize I’m the only one without a faux-hawk , after I see the drunken debauchery going on, after I get rejected by a girl to dance, I will definitely be searching this: “How to be a pimp V.I.P. in a club with lots of ladies.” I’ll magically be escorted to the VIP room with my own table and a few bottles of Belvedere; the women will flock like seagulls. One side note, if I end up in a Hollywood club like Les Deux, I will be searching: “How to kill myself quickly.”
SCHOOL
There’s nothing wrong with education, heck, it sort of taught me how to read and write – although without correct grammar. One thing that does suck, is waking up at ‘O Dark Thirty’ to get to home-economics on time. If I were a little boy waking up to go to school I break out my handy google search bar and: “how to ditch school without getting caught.” Because everyone wants to ditch school sometimes, but nobody wants to get caught.
JAIL
This one is tough, but not so tough at the same time. See, if they did a proper search and found by google search bar squeezed between my cheeks I might be in big trouble. However, if I managed to slip it between the guards I would search: “Morgan Freeman’s sexy voice to narrate over my escape from jail.” Because nothing can get you through a long life sentence like Morgan Freeman’s silky smooth tenor.
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